Does that get your attention?
The first real chapter in Dennis Palumbo's Writing From the Inside Out is entitled Writer's Block and he begins the chapter with a memory of congratulating a client who had writer's block.
Although that was certainly a catchy chapter hook, what really spoke to me in this chapter was his analysis of a bad dream. He'd been experiencing a severe case of writer's block while attempting to adapt a screenplay to a book. He came to understand that the dream was his subconscious mind's way of dealing with a feeling of not being good enough. Or as he so succinctly put it, "Who did I think I was, anyway?" (p. 16)
That was a real Eureka moment for me. Who do I think I am, anyway?
Palumbo's crisis of confidence came from adapting a big name author's book into a screenplay. Mine is less obvious, but no less paralyzing. The most basic cause of my writer's block can be summed up in 6 words.
I am in awe of writers.
I've always held writers in the highest esteem so to think I could be one requires serious mental adjustment. I thought I had made that leap, but the gut reaction I had while reading this chapter set me straight.
Anyone who knows me well, knows that my most favorite thing to do in life is read. (The pile of gift cards to B&N and Borders that I received at the end of the school year attest to that!) My house is overflowing with books. This past school year, one of my students was reading Inkheart and with such longing in her voice she asked me wouldn't I love to live in a house like Eleanor's where every room is walls of books. I smiled, sort of sheepishly, and told her I do. My husband and I have a standing weekly Saturday date at Barnes and Noble!
See how I can go on about books and my love of them. Books are my biggest vice and my greatest delight (don't tell the kids or the pets, please!) so the people who write them are akin to gods/goddesses. Me, be one of them? Who do I think I'm kidding?
So many authors reflect that they decided to write a book when they tossed aside a book they were reading with the thought that they could do better. Not me. I remember very clearly when I decided to try writing a book. I was working for Columbia Pictures at the time and was at a company conference in San Francisco. I was indulging in a long hot bath, doing what else - reading. The magazine I was flipping through had an article on romance writers. What stunned me was the realization that these writers were ordinary women who wrote before lunch, on lunch breaks or when their kids were asleep.
That article was like finding gold at the end of the rainbow. I still remember the awestruck feeling - I could do this? I could actually take those stories that I made up to get to sleep at night and turn them into a book?
The other day, Gwen commented that she remembered the early sense of not being able to stop writing - before thoughts of craft and publication interfered. That's what those early days of writing were like for me. I wrote reams of pages longhand, pecked out scenes on my old Atari computer. Nothing interfered with my love for the story I wrote. When my babies were little, I wrote during their naps and after they went to bed at night. I had to tear myself away from the story to sleep, knowing they'd be waking early.
Never during that time did I compare myself to other authors. I never worried that what I was writing wasn't good enough. It was, in every sense of the word, a pure writing experience.
I could go on with details of my descent into the reality of publishing, but there's not point. The fact is, once the rejections arrived, so did the unspoken fear. I wasn't good enough to be an AUTHOR.
Eventually, that feeling sucked the joy from my writing and paralyzed my muse. I wasn't good enough to be an author.
So what to do about those stories that still want to be told?
Dennis Palumbo spends the chapter talking about ways of dealing with writer's block - specifically to not try to break through it but to take the opportunity to examine it, understand it, and use it as a tool for taking the next step. I guess that's what I've been doing with this blog today, examining my fears and taking the chance, putting myself out there.
I love my stories. I love the high that I get when an idea strikes. I love the rush of not being able to type fast enough to get the ideas down. Maybe I'll never be good enough to be an AUTHOR, but I'll never know unless I try again.
Confession time - I could kick myself now when I think of the editor who gave me first place in a contest and requested a full. I never sent it. Why? I didn't understand then, but I do now. If I didn't send it, she couldn't reject it. The story that I loved so much, could remain golden in my eye, untarnished by more rejection slips.
So my promise to myself is not to let those doubts derail me but instead I'll mine them for ideas. I'll never be good enough if I don't keep trying!
His closing to the chapter gives me inspiration -
About writer's block -
"It means you're ready - or, probably, more than ready - to make that important next step in your writing." (p. 18)
And to any author reading this today - I salute you! Whether you're multipublished, award-winning, or struggling like me - you dared to put your dreams on paper so thank you!
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